aLL tHe mi$$ anD paiN...

its been a week.. i wonder how things goes on in there.. i really hope everything will be just fine.. i've decided my path.. from now on i'll be strong again.. not strong as i used to be before.. i want to be stronger.. my darling once said to me.. 'its okay to cry.. just cry until all the pain goes away..'.. but the fact that the pain won't go just like that hurt me more.. so, no more headache for it now.. life must goes on.. everyone stumbles and falls occasionally and as much as u feel the weight of the world some days, tomorrow is always a new day.. i'm living my life to the fullest.. wit my vip: mummy, daddy, ahlesz, ian and seli; my beloved darling achin; and all my awesome friends.. and owh, my study.. this electronic engineering course.. let rock till death!!  this life is worth living.. to dearie me, cheer up!! up! up! up! this rock star instinct is back.. yay!!!

oreDi deCidEd..:'(

it really tearing me down.. i though i was strong enough to accept it but the truth is.. it still hurt me with every pieces.. do i loose him? will i ever had the change to meet him again?.. will he eat well?.. will he sleep well?..
will everyone treat him well?.. i feel like a total failure.. i cant even be a shelter to any of the people i loved so much.. why much things turn up this way?. and it happened again.. me.. crying like shit infront of my food.. damn! why am i this useless? i used to be so strong.. urm, i thought i am strong enough.. when i finally discover just how weak i am.. deep inside i'm broken into pieces.. into smallest pieces that me myself not sure wether it can ever fixed again.. i just cant handle it.. the tears that i kept for so long.. is now slowly start to show.. i'm not this emo.. but all the things that happened to me and my family recently is really out of my power to act like nothing happen.. just how am i suppose to cope with this?...

i'LL bE yOur sHeLter..

just now i received a text from mummy telling how lonely she is.. its so sad.. i cannot reply her cause i'm running out of credit.. it might sound funny, but i cant stand it.. all i can do is cried infront of my dinner.. how can i be this useless.. i'v promise her before that eventhough how hard it would be, i'll always be there for her and carry that burden together.. and where am i now?.. miles and miles away from her.. i cant even reply to her text.. how can i wipe all the pain away.. wasnt i suppose to be her shelter?.. all of this sadness, all the pain caused.. just delete them all from ur mind.. i know how hurt u are.. but mummy, please be strong.. we'll get through this and build our happy life again..

oHana mEanS FaMiLy!!!

everything seems to be very wrong now.. my path become so unclear.. why does everything turn to be this way?? the life that i thought was getting better everyday.. the forgiveness that i believe he deserve.. the happy family that i always ask 4.. its all ruined.. he'v ruined us all.. i miss mummy so much.. and my brothers and sister.. i just wanted to be with them.. facing through all this matter.. its hurt so bad to know they're coping with this without me.. we're FAMILY.. and i'm suppose to be there with them.. through all the pain and suffering.. how can i help when i'm miles away.. i can feel just how they'd feel.. with people that would never understand.. with mouth that can never be closed.. please forgive me 4 not able to be there.. i miss u all so freaking bad.. i know i must be strong.. and thats what i'm doing now.. all of this thing is making my life upside down.. it would be very helpful if the wind would just blow me home.. wind.. come and fly me home!

ruNNing Out oF tHings tO saY?????eWwwwwww...

sumtimes things become so unclear.. me me me and me!! uhrg!! i want to change.. no more games.. reduces facebooks.. dont let all the useless crap bothering my head.. and i'm being quit a sleeping head lately.. sleep early and wake up late..:P
wont it be great if i'm as brilliant as Einstein or anyone that have success in every way.. yarkk!! not in a million years! oh yeah,i finally get my old hair style back.. i will never ever ever ever cut my hair like that again! i'm looking forward for a better hair cut in the future.. but i need to wait until my hair is long enough.. or else, my dad will kill me if he saw me with short hair again this semester break.. beside that, my darling wish to see me with long hair.. i surely doesn't want to disappoint him.. i'll look ugly in long hair, but i'm sure he wont care.. *wink* i look back to some of the photograph of mine taken during highschool, this thought came into my mind.. "eww, was that really me? how can i let myself look that ugly??!!" ahaha.. the memories of me and my long hair has become a legend in my life.. i'll never let that be 'me' again.. shhhh, dont let my mummy know this.. cuz she's the only one that think i look cute with that long curly hair.. but after all, i still miss everything i have back then.. i miss my mummy, my daddy.. and the three sweet slave of mine.. ahlesz, ian and seli.. i used to be the their babysitter.. cleaning the house, cooking, and taking care of them.. how close we are.. now i'm miles away.. and its been 10 months since i last go home.. i'm a strong girl.. i'll be home again this semester break, wait for me!!!!